Boxes
It’s ok to do it your own way.
It’s taken a long time and a lot of trying to fit myself into boxes that were never made for my brain for me to start believing this. But no matter how hard I try, there is no amount of “self-discipline” that will make me fit into those boxes.
Getting diagnosed with ADHD has been a life changing experience, but it doesn’t stop with diagnosis. It’s been a process of learning and unlearning and seeing my life and struggles through a totally different lens. It’s really been a process of believing more and more and more that I was never the problem.
I was the kid who got straight A’s, who “behaved well” in school, and who didn’t cause trouble (at school, that is… home was another story). There is no way that I would have gotten an ADHD diagnosis back in the early 2000’s. Instead I worked harder than anyone else, learned crazy tricks to memorize what I needed to, developed ways of fidgeting that were socially acceptable, and developed at least one anxiety disorder in the process of it all.
It worked well at the time, sort of? I got the grades. I was “successful” on paper. But at what cost? My mental health, my peace of mind, losing touch with who I really am and the gifts and strengths that I actually do have… the ones that bring me joy. If I could go back, I wish I would have gotten lower grades if it meant having better self-esteem and being more “myself.”
So what do I mean when I say “it’s ok to do it your own way?”
It’s ok to communicate in your own way (info dumping or bouncing from one topic to the next, anyone?)
It’s ok to set up your house in your own way (guess what… laundry does not actually have to be folded! What a relief!)
It’s ok to set up your life and schedule in your own way (one day I realized no one is forcing me to wake up early… so why do I feel like I “should” still follow the typical 9-5 schedule?)
It’s ok to create in your own way! (I will never ever ever pick one hobby and stick to it, which used to make me feel like a failure. Now I looooove having 5 million billion hobbies and ideas all the time! I’ll bounce around as much as I want to, and you can’t stop me!).
Because no matter how much “discipline and hard work” you have, you ARE neurodivergent, and you will never fit in those boxes that weren’t made for you. If you’ve been made to believe that there’s something wrong with you for that, I’m here to tell you that you’ve never been the problem. It’s those boring square boxes that are the problem. I don’t know, I’d imagine my box as like… a groovy 70’s flower? (Sunflower maybe? hehe). But it might also be a shape shifting box too… and it would have lots of glitter on it of course.
Stay weird, everyone. :)
Gabi
